THE MENTAL TORMENT OF TORTUROUS NAMES.

​Lottery, the winner of the inaugural Grand National (or the Grand Liverpool Steeplechase as it was originally known – it only acquired its present name in 1847 when Matthew beat St.Leger and Jerry) was called Chance before it was changed to a name that has best described the great race ever since 1839. In 1840 Jerry beat Arthur and Valentine. In 1841 Charity won from Cigar and Peter Simple. Lottery, Chance, Matthew, Jerry, Arthur; good names, easily remembered, affectionate names, even. One might go as far as describing such names as respectful. You could not be embarrassed if you owned a horse called Matthew or Charity and were asked its name. Unlike Didtheyleaveuoutto, Sandfrankskipsgo or Looksnowtlikebrian. Names that with me anyway gain less points than the annual British entry for the Eurovision Song Contest.
I could name and shame a long list of horses with similar names, convoluted names, torturous names; names that to my more traditional way of looking at the issue are disrespectful to both the horse and the sport. Bertilatethannever looks ugly on the page and must be difficult to call for commentators during a race. As must be Pranceabootthetown and Welliesinthewater. Canyouringmeback I find particularly annoying as it is a question and there is no ?.
I am told it is not as easy as I believe to name a racehorse, and though I am not wholly opposed to names such as Crumpledandcreased or Welluptoscratch, it beggars believe than with over 6,000 languages to pick from, with the English language alone offering hundreds of thousands of words, that owners can only resort to such names as Nameitwotulike.
If owners were to research the names of horses who have won the classics or the great National Hunt races very few silly or torturous names will be found. I realise that I have set someone with a point to prove the challenge of leafing through the history books to draw up a list of names to belittle me and my argument. But remember, you cannot claim victory if all you come up with is one or two names.  Anyway, can you imagine Sprinter Sacre, Kauto Star, Denman, Hurricane Fly or Golden Miller achieving greatness if they were called Canyouringmeback?
The first name I used as an example, Didtheyleaveuouttto, is owned and was named, I believ, by J.P.McManus, a personal hero of mine and a hero to anyone with a love for our sport. I only have one criticism of him and that is the torturous names he resorts to. With more thorough research than my patience allows I could list dozens of similar names to the horse who is presently one of the favourites for the Cheltenham Bumper and who might go on to be a superstar, though history suggests his name will put the mockers on that! If only he would stick to names like Synchronise, Great Field, Yanworth or Minella Rocco, none of which I suspect he named himself, though he bred Synchronised so I might be wrong on that score.
What owners should consider when naming a horse, and something the powers-that-be should consider, is that the name of the horse is the first port of call for the ears and eyes of experienced and first-time racegoers, and on informing people of the result of the Grand National or Derby newsreaders will have to annunciate the name of the winner and it does the sport no favours if he or she stumbles over the name because it is torturous, convoluted or just plain silly. Such names do little to enhance the reputation of the sport. Racehorses are amongst the most beautiful of animals and we should respect their dignity from birth to death. They give their all for our enjoyment; their lives, even, on occasion. I just believe we owe it to them to choose carefully the names that escort them through life. Many will end up outside of racing stables, some as hunters or hacks and when the new owner is asked the name of the horse, the name under which it was raced, names like Mustmeetalady and Yourholidayisover can only make both parties winch with embarrassment. How do you find a respectable names from Mustmeetalady? Musty, perhaps?
I have no problem with Gaelic or French names, even if I can’t get my tongue around them, or names that I do not understand. But names that run a coach and four through the English language bug the life out of me. On this website, to prove a point that has become an addiction, there is an ever expanding list of possible names that owners might like to use. The names that really pull my chain are those that replicate names of great horses from the past, with Coolmore’s use of Spanish Steps rendering me apoplectic with disappointment and rage.
But there is one name presently attached to a horse that bugs me more than any other name – Acting Lass. A lovely name for a mare, except Acting Lass is a gelding, a male. It is wrong on any level you choose. I suspect the owners wanted the name Acting Class and somewhere in the process the name became corrupted. Why his connections have gone along with the name is beyond me?
A name is not just a name. The names of racehorses are the seedbed of memory. The names of racehorses are the very soul of the sport.