it's all about the black and white from now on.

​I was tempted and I succumbed. I am now a gold member of the David Pipe Racing Club. It is my gift to myself. I assured myself we live in troubling times and that we all need some sort of comfort to make life worth living otherwise this Covid-nonsense will make one-way journeys to cliff-edges just as tempting as joining racing clubs or even shady massage parlours or to go for a swim in the ocean on the off-chance of discovering the whereabouts of Flight MH370.
I am now privy to inside information on six racehorses; how well they are bombing up and down the gallops, if they are eating their greens like good children and whether they are opposed to the word soft under their racing plates. I have already viewed a video of one the horses who should have run this weekend but didn’t, from which I can tell you she looked very shiny.
The current David Pipe Racing Club squad are: Great Tempo, a six-year-old gelding that I am assured is capable of winning again. Dusky Hercules, a 5-year-old yet to be exposed and a half-brother on his mum’s side of the family to a Cheltenham Festival winner. Little Red Lion, which to the French would be Vieux Lion Rouge (I took a punt there, as I don’t speak a word of French – I took French at school but have successfully forgotten every word, feeling so much better for it – my translation may not be quite accurate) who is a nice staying handicap hurdler to look forward to. Let’s hope I don’t look back in twelve months and wonder what there was to look forward to. Airton, a gelding that won on debut for David and reading between the lines has verged on disappointing ever since. Perhaps they should give Bryony a go on him. Just a suggestion and no reflection on the ability of Tom or any of the Nicholashayne jockeys. Queen Adelaide, a mare (I know that is obvious by the name but Harry Fry has a gelding called Acting Lass) who ran with credit on her two runs last season. Already she is the one I like the most. To Fly Free, the shiny one I referred to earlier, who was bought in France over the summer and has already brought a certain about of pleasure to her trainer when finishing in the money at beautiful Cartmel and functional Market Rasen.
Do not expect me to pass on any inside information on any of these horses as stable confidentiality must be maintained at all times. If you want to be privy to the ups and downs of these six horses, and the four that in time, if the membership grows, will make up the entire squad, join the club. It costs literally pennies a day for a full-year of stable visits, racecourse badges and a button in the black and white colours of the club. And, I suspect, much, much more. Unlike Martin, whose winners always started odds-on, David occasionally has long-priced winners and a tenner on one of those will pay for Gold membership in one swoop at the local betting shop.
Given I got myself into this … No, not mess, that would be disingenuous, on this journey by informing Martin about a two-year-old in training called Blowing Wind, the horse that should have been A.P.’s first Grand National winner, and how annoyed I get seeing the names of horses who have entered the public consciousness being replicated when the English language is as vast as the stars in the Milky Way and possible names are as vast as the stars in the entire universe if you add all the languages of the world, plus dialects and words that can be joined to make a name, Great and Tempo, to give an example, plus names you can make-up, Multio, Cantango, Scudapipe, etc, though not Pipescud, that would be a terrible name for a horse, but you get my drift. Get My Drift, see how easy it is to make up an acceptable name.
I left my point behind. I do that. I am getting old, you see. Do you remember when your mum said ‘you would forget your head if it wasn’t screwed-on? Well, it’s only a matter of time. That and forgetting where I live. And when I get arrested, my name, no doubt. Oh, yes, I am sure the Pipes will be relieved that I approve of the names of all six horses that are central to the racing club experience.
For anyone who is already a member of the club or own whole bits or part-bits of a horse trained by David Pipe you will be relieved or saddened to know that it is unlikely I will make your acquaintance any time soon due to my abhorrence of Covid restrictions, protocols and the very idea that anyone might think I am collaborating with the needless corruption of society and a world agenda (hence my reference to arrest) – No. Two different subjects and I must refrain from conjoining them. But really, it’s not social distancing but anti-social distancing and if anti-social distancing works to keep this virus (which has said au revoir and gone hunting elsewhere on the planet) why must everyone on a racecourse need to wear an ill-fitting mask? Why? Just ask yourself why? Why? Answers, please.